yo, i’m sorry i was gone for so long.
funny enough, i replaced this with videos on yt for a while, so there’s that.
but yeah, i’ve been hating this whole thing more than ever lately. i hate numbers. apps are stupid. building stuff is crazy hard.
time
one of the biggest things was that i felt like i was getting no time to actually do anything.
and obviously, more time ≠ more productivity.
but my productivity has genuinely fallen off a cliff ever since college started. classes break the entire day into pieces, and sometimes it feels like half my day just disappears without me even noticing.
there are days where i feel 0% productive.
and it annoys me so much because i want to work. i want to build. i want to get more productive. but somehow wanting it harder doesn’t magically make it happen.
i even made a new way of looking at my week because the old one clearly wasn’t working. it got a little better, but i still don’t really know what i’m doing.
dk what to do
another thing that kept annoying me was that i would start a week without actually knowing what i was supposed to accomplish in that week.
and then i’d spiral.
there would be 20 things in my head, all of them somehow important, and because i didn’t know which one mattered right now, i’d end up doing less of everything.
so i think i need to start every week with a very simple answer to:
what actually needs to get done this week?
not 500 things. just the things that matter.
imitating farza
then there are like 1000 smaller, weird problems constantly running in my head.
like, should i be telling people about Tappr hourly? am i focusing way too much on PMs? what if i completely fail to get users? should i actually follow the PMs guide? should i be doing something completely different?
just stupid little questions constantly sitting somewhere in my brain.
but the biggest one is probably this:
i think i’ve been trying to copy Farza.
i’ve talked about this before too.
the road in front of me feels so uncertain, and i fucking hate not knowing.
so somewhere along the way my brain decided the safest solution was:
just think like Farza. talk like Farza. act like Farza.
because if someone else has already walked some version of this road, maybe copying how they think will make mine less uncertain.
but obviously that’s not how this works.
and sometimes i genuinely just want to cry and quit.
but i’ve been doing this shit for like 5 years now. at this point i’m almost too irritated to quit.
the only way i’m leaving Tappr is if i die lol.
i’m going to put everything into it.
i would genuinely rather spend months building something that goes nowhere than quit, give up, and spend my days doing absolutely nothing.
and honestly, i’m pretty sure even if i tried quitting, some part of my brain wouldn’t let me.
still, it fucking sucks waking up and seeing terrible numbers.
connections sent. acceptances. users. everything.
you can tell yourself numbers don’t matter emotionally, but when you’ve spent the whole week trying and the number staring back at you is awful, it hurts.
i’ll attach the numbers from the last 4 weeks below.
midsems
and just when i was finally starting to get a little consistency...
midsems showed up.
amazing timing.
now i’m stuck wondering whether i should focus completely on exams or somehow keep everything else alive too.
i mean, realistically, i can still give this an hour every day.
but idk.
i’m still figuring that out too.
actually, that probably describes this entire phase pretty well.
i’m slowly figuring it out.
(i hope.)
anyway, cheers to all the cool cool people who have been helping me through all of this.
Jai, Tharun bhaiya, thanks a lot. genuinely.